4 weeks down and only 2 weeks to go with Round 1 of Treatment. Healthwise, I have been feeling great. My latest emotional quest is that of finding the "Switch"
The switch is not something scientific about Cancer or even the How or Why Me about the Cancer. Those two questions do not bother me in the least...It is what it is!
The switch that I am looking for is that damn switch in my brain that will turn off me thinking about it all the damn time. I am able to occupy myself for short periods of time, but my brain like a big magnet will swing back to thinking about the fact I have cancer and all of the related issues - "see mini meltdown minus the tears". I have always had a little attention issue, but this is just getting ridiculous. I can't keep my mind off of it and is pissing me off. I am stronger than this. I can understand lying in bed awake thinking about what I need to do at work or issues related to that, but laying around wallowing in something that I have absolutely no control of is flipping stupid.
I think the challenge is the downtime that I have coming to me. After March 7th, I have 4 weeks of no radiation, and no chemo. It is a time to let me heal before starting my 6-12 month regimen of chemo. They do one CT scan after 1 month but flat out tell me that they don't expect to see ANY results...its too early. So, I have to sit around for a month, without being able to work - to wait and see a CT scan that will tell me nothing and maybe even show growth/swelling, which dem smart doctors say is to be expected and is in no way bad news, just standard. It will be another 6 months before I really know anything and that thought just sits in my head like a really bad QT Burrito (Uncle Nicks for you Rockfordians) does in your stomach after a rough night at the Bar! :)
So, I do not feel mentally bad, just frustrated. I have never been a patient person, especially in business, and waiting months for results is so hard for me to get my arms around. That and I am a huge control freak and can't control a damn thing in this process. This is where I am supposed to say EXCEPT MY ATTITUDE, but for that to happen, I have to find this DAMN SWITCH! :) So, if anyone knows where the hell the switch is...(other than at the bottom of a bottle of Bacardi- that's off limits for me for now. :) )....Please let me know! :)
Peace Out!
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8 comments:
OK Bro...So let's throw a spin at this "switch" theory. Is it possible, or even probable that the switch is merely a sought after anomaly that may not be there at all? Like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, this switch you seek may be a figment of your (and our) imagination. Is it possible that the perpetual thoughts that are replaying over and over in your head cannot be turned off? Or maybe, the switch is there, not all the time, but at least once in awhile…hmmmmmmmm? A part time switch?
So how weird is this thought Steve. I think about and pray for you constantly...to quote Willie...”you are always on my mind.” Yesterday, at church, I said 20 prayers for you in an hour. I am probably neglecting millions of other people and scenarios that need my prayers right now because I am so damn focused on trying to help you. When Noah had his heart surgery, I was the same way. The big "P" right buddy?
So let's look at this from another perspective that may help you. Tons of positive energy is coming your way from thousands of people right now. I can see it in the Talbott Support Team and in your blog. Maybe it's possible that there is a switch. Maybe it's possible that you already have the switch and you are just looking past it. Maybe you could use US as your switch Steve. It is the greatest help we can give you and we would be proud to help you flip it off...even if for a few minutes. Maybe it is a phone call, or a visit, or that ride up to Madison with Lyle or Swan. Whatever it is that helps you keep this all in “perspective” as best as you can is what it takes. There are a lot of people behind you that would love to have that honor my friend.
And if not…try looking at Home Depot. I swear they have everything there.
:-)
Mark
I never thought anything Mark Patrick could say could rock me to my core but all be damned if he didn't just make the earth move.
We all think about you in everything we do.
As a Jew, I'm no chruchgoer, but in Synagogue we sing a song of healing called the Mi Sheberach. The girls love to sing it and they know that when we go on Friday nights they are to think of Daddy's friend Steve and send him their love and support.
Lastly, maybe for one day or hour don't worry about the 'switch' and let it wash over you, maybe by letting go the switch will be there when you come out on the other side.
G
Worry is the worst enemy of people in the fight of their life. The switch is to find something else to do with your time. Write a national best seller. You are a very good writer
Wow! What friends you have. I believe God puts disease on this earth to improve the minds of the people who fight it. He doesn't put something there that can't be cured. What if the switch is just harnessing all the prayers and using the power of positive thinking in making your brain cells kill the cancer cells themselves (with the help of Ian and his magic potion)?
He gave you a hell of a brain to begin with -- now suppose he expects you to figure out how to help the doctors along. There has to be the first person to be cured of Glioblastoma -- why not you? And why not using your own brain power?
Otherwise -- the practical switch is get your butt off that chair and go get some exercise -- you might as well get your body in shape now while you have the time because after you've kicked this cancer you're going to say you're too busy! Don't make me come over there.
Love, Mom
Moms always know best! Don't make your mom come over there!
Echoing the sentiments of your mom...nothing beats a good workout to relieve stress, put your mind someplace else, and make the shower feel SO good afterwards!
better listen to mom
The sun is shining today (which is rare these days in Illinois) and you are ALIVE Steve and breathing!!!!! We are so lucky and blessed to have you in our lives, so much you are TEACHING us---there is the SWITCH---look at all that you are giving to all of us, your family and friends...and your mom is right, listen to her!!!
Love ya....Jacquaaaaa
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